Thursday, October 9, 2008

Thank you, my son.

Not sure if I should post this... in the end, I decided to be brave and do it.

Dear Longlegs,

I'm so sorry to make you worry about Mommy, honey. I was having a blue morning. Wake-up, breakfast, morning play... throughout all of it I felt sorrow bubbling up.. sadness I've been stuffing down successfully for several weeks. I kept telling myself "no sadness, you have a great life!"... but having to say the same thing to myself five minutes later.

You helped me put Sweetpea down for morning nap, then we laid down on my sofa-bed for our morning ritual of watching "Super Why" on kids CBC.

Then you headbutted me in the face.

It hurt so much, I pulled back from you shrieking "Owie! Owie!" And my eyes started to water, as they naturally do when something physically hurts quite a bit.

And as soon as my eyes watered I started to sob... and I couldn't stop. Body shaking sobs, gasping... barely breathing. It was like a cork popped out of my dam. I wept for about three minutes before I got control of myself.

You're old enough now that you understand... and I'm so sorry for it. You stared at me with your little mouth open. Then you fell all over me, kissing my face where you smashed me (it welted and went away later) all over and repeating "Sawwee... sawwee, mommy! Sawwee!" Then you started to cry... and you kept kissing my face and crying "Sawwee, mommy! Better, mommy... better now, mommy?"

Oh dear gods, I made my baby boy worry... I made my baby boy cry. There's nothing that can make me not feel like a bad mother right now. Like the worst damn mother in the whole world.

I'm supposed to be your rock... you're not supposed to be mine... Sweetheart, you're only two. It's supposed to be my job to protect you from feeling like I do. I supposed to protect you from this pain.

With great effort, I stopped myself from crying and said "Yes, it's better now, sweetie. All better now."

It was like someone flipped your off switch. You wiped the tears from your eyes, hugged me and went back to your television show. God bless a toddler's attention span.

And like that... the moment was gone for you. To be filled with other moments, pushing your sister over, reading stories with us, driving your cars on the mat, chasing the cat, peeing on the floor... then peeing on the potty and getting a chocolate chip and a Disney Cars sticker for your efforts.

But I will never forget this morning. When my cork popped out, I sobbed.. and my two year old son kissed my face and told me it would all be better.


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